My new book, “Being A Teen: Everything Teen Girls & Boys Should Know About Relationships, Sex, Love, Health, Identity & More,” is officially coming out Tomorrow! Though people are already buying it, via Amazon etc. I’ve been doing lots of interviews and the response is thrilling for me. Obviously it’s adults I’m talking to but they’ve read the book and say they’ve learned things even they didn’t know and, those who have teens, have told me they want their child to read it. Heartwarming words!
I’ve been working with teens around issues of sexuality, self-esteem and relationships for several decades. I began to notice what teenagers wanted and needed from adults in the 1970s & ‘80s when my then-husband, Tom Hayden, and I ran the Laurel Springs Performing Arts Children’s Camp north of Santa Barbara, CA. I got far more deeply into it when I moved to Georgia after marrying Ted Turner and founded several organizations dealing with adolescence. I have a passion for this work, partly because, when I was a teen, I was very confused, not particularly happy, awkward about negotiating relationships with boys and didn’t know where to go for answers.
I wrote the book because I was asked many times over questions like (from girls) “how do I know if I’m in a real relationship?” and “how can I say ‘no’ and still be popular?” and “when is it okay to have sex?” I would see boys so confused and sad because they felt they treated girls well and were their best friends but couldn’t seem to get them to be their girlfriends. So many young people my non-profits work with don’t understand enough about how their bodies work, don’t know enough about ways to prevent getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant, or how to avoid getting HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs)., think that oral sex isn’t really sex and can’t give them an STI. Wrong!
There is so much misinformation about these things floating around that I felt that the health of these teens–their future happiness even–was on the line. I wanted to write about it so I could help not just the young people I met in Georgia, but teens across the country who needed more access to information.
Here are a few excerpts from the book:
YOU NEED TO KNOW & TRUST YOUR INTIMATE PARTNER
You can’t trust your partner if you can’t communicate honestly. Ideally, any amount of physical intimacy should be matched with an equal amount of emotional intimacy. When you know and trust someone, you are much more likely to have safe and satisfying sexual experiences with them. If you do not know someone well, any type of sexual experience with them could be risky – both physically and emotionally.
WHEN IS IT NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
It is not a healthy relationship if there is abuse or pressure of any kind. You should not allow disrespectful language,subtle pressure or deception in an intimate relationship. It should go without saying that anyone who puts you down, uses violence against you or tries to force you into sex is an unhealthy partner. You should never tolerate any form of physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse in what issupposed to be a loving relationship. It is also wrong for your partner to threaten to hurt him or herself as a way to pressure you to do things you may not want to do. Even if your partner eventually apologizes for this behavior, it is still destructive and should not be tolerated. Be wary of partners who are obsessively jealous and paranoid,always suspicious and accusing, even if all you’re doing is only talking to someone else. Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking you can change your partner! It never works.
THINKING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE: YOUR IDENTITY
Maybe you’ve begun to examine the values and beliefs that you’ve been brought up with. You are starting to think more for yourself and, as you continue to learn and grow over the years, you’ll notice that things you feel sure of today may change many times.
During your teenage years is the time when your identity is being developed—who you are as a person, on your own, separate from your parents and friends. Because you are just getting to know who youare, it’s easy to be influenced by what others think of you– classmates, teachers, coaches. It’s a good time to appreciate who you really are instead of what others want you to be. Think about the ways that you are different from your friends and family and the ways you are the same. Try writing them down. Sometimes, when you write things down, it’s easier to think about them, analyze them and feel sure of opinions.
What kind of person are you, or do you are want to be. Do any of these words come to mind: Kind, considerate, generous, honest, loving, funny, smart? I didn’t ask what you wanted to do in your life, rather my question is about your being—how you’d like to be in the world. Write down the things you’d like to be and from time to time think about whether or not your actions, the friends you choose and the things you do are contributing to your becoming this person you’d like to be.
SEXTING
Never send a nude or partly nude photo or video of yourself or any sexual text to anyone! You may think it will remain between you and a current friend but someone who you think is your girl friend or boyfriend may get mad at you or want to brag about you, and send it to others and it can go viral. It can ruin your reputation and embarrass you or make you seem really stupid. The photo can live forever on cellphones and even on social networking sites. The police may be called in and there could be serious consequences. It could result in you having to move from where you and yourfamily live, and even then, the damage may follow if people recognize you.
Sexting may be going on all around you inmusic videos and elsewhere, but don’t be foolish enough to engage in it yourself. Respect yourself and be smart. Remember, you can never take it back, or control who sees it. It will be out there forever.
At the end of each chapter I give information about organizations & resources where you can get help, advice and/or more information. And by the way, all profits from “Being A Teen” goes to GCAPP.
Stephanie Rossi
Hello Ms Fonda,
Thank you so much for drawing attention to teenagers! I have been a secondary social studies teacher for 34 years, and I still believe I have the best job in the world because I have the delight to be a part of teenagers’ learnings and oh the wonder of it all. They are curious, lost, thoughtful. self-centered, terrified, courageous, brave, wonderful and so many other things. I love trying to help them learn the value of hard work, and of understanding the wonder of struggling to understand a difficult historical position, or just the wonder of being them. Every morning I look forward to going to work (despite all the criticisms of my profession) I absolutely love trying to figure out how I can help them learn and understand the world around them. When I teach the 1960s, I use music lyrics to convey the counterculture and what it meant to challenge the status quo. I always bring you in as an example of a woman who had tremendous courage and even a willingness to be vulnerable, authentic and brave. You are a change agent and exemplify all that we should aspire to be – curious to know who we are and how we can become all that we can be within this journey called life. I would like to extend an invitation to you to visit my classroom next time you are in Denver. Come share your life experiences with the wonderful teens I teach. At the end of every semester I do a closing activity called YOUnique YOU. I tell every one of my students what I have come to appreciate about them and what my wish for them in the future is. I invite you to visit on that day and delight in the wonder of the teenagers I have shared my life with.
Blessings and many thanks for you being you, Stephanie Rossi
daphne phung
Hi Jane – I was so excited to hear of this book, and can’t wait to read it. For so many years, we’ve been teaching our kids about the anatomy of sex, but neglected to teach them about the relational part of it – healthy boundaries.
This is the motivation behind a bill in CA which would add sexual abuse and trafficking prevention education into the sexual health curriculum for junior high and high school students.
http://californiaagainstslavery.org/about-senate-bill-1165/
We’d love to have you testify about the need to educate teens on the relationship part of sex. The first hearing for the bill is on April 23 in Sacramento. Your support would be invaluable to ensure that all teens in California can have this important education. (info@CaliforniaAgainstSlavery.org)
One in four girls and one in six boys experience sexual assault before 18. Kids have access to so many more tings now like technology. They don’t understand that at the press of a button, they can be involved in a serious crime that can hurt others and themselves for a long time. When a teen posts explicit images of their ex-girlfriend out of revenge or to bully her, he isn’t thinking that he is really committing sexual assault and production of child pornography, which can land him in jail for the next 50 years of his life. Even if a girl posts explicit images of herself, she can be charged with distribution of child porn, a serious felony. Traffickers/pimps are paying boys to recruit girls for them. They don’t realize that they are engaged in child sex trafficking and the gravity of it.
Sandra Angle
Ms. Fonda, I wonder if there is any way to get your book into the schools? I’ve recently began working in the book rooms in high schools in California and am intrigued by their textbooks and reading curriculum. While my son was going through public school, I was highly disappointed in what wasn’t covered. I think plenty of what you address would be timely for freshman. Perhaps if authors initiate an effort to work directly with schools, that might change more quickly than what appears to be the usual channels.
Christy Zilliot
This sounds like a good book for teens out there, especially young girls! I wish I would have had a book like this as a teen!:)