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BEING ALONE

I have a friend who says she has become a nerd cause she doesn’t go out or hang anymore with her buds. I told her I understood cause I was part nerd too and I realized that my blog gives the impression that I am always surrounded by excitement and people. But the fact is that I spend much time alone and cherish that. I don’t write about that cause what’s to say. “I am alone, thinking, reading, meditating…” Isn’t so interesting so my blog gives a false impression of my life. I identify with the bear who hibernates much of the time–in fact, has her cubs alone while she sleeps–but then needs to be social, playful. That’s me. I am alone a lot. I read a lot. I meditate. I love solitude. It’s different than loneliness. I am not always surrounded by excitement. That’s just what I blog about.

Anyway, I wanted to set that straight. I, too, am part nerd.

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  1. Jane, I love this. : )

  2. You said everything. Being alone doesn’t mean loneliness, some times we need to take our time.

  3. thank you jane
    I have always felt I was someone who loved solitude and I never felt lonely-
    I love your blog I hope you write forever and I love that you have such a diverse circle of love around you- but knowing that you too love your private space makes me feel not so odd.
    Not many people understand –

  4. I don’t know if solitude makes you a nerd. Labels are limiting. Think of yourself as an evolving human soul. I appreciate your honesty and sincerity.

  5. I’m with you there, Jane.

    I am happiest when I’m hiking with my dogs, visiting a museum, watching a foreign film, reading a biography, etc. but I can feel like the loneliest person in the world in a crowd.

    I have a few close friends that I love and a handful of acquaintences I tolerate, but I get excited about discovering new things about myself and about life.

    My friends “intervene” on occasion and try to set me up on blind dates, but I’ve learned to escape when necessary. These are the same friends who would rather be in a bad relationship than be alone. Besides, in a crowd the “L” on my forehead (for LOSER) glows like a neon sign inviting all those with “special” personalities to invade my personal space. I’m really a nice guy, but when backed in a corner with no way to escape I do come out swinging sometimes.

    When I’m in love I’m in head over heels, but I’m just fine when it’s just me.

    Life is good! If you can’t be alone at least be particular about who you let in your personal space!

    More great things to come!
    David

  6. Couldn’t agree more. So glad to know liking solitude is not nuts.

  7. I am jealous of people who have the luxury of being alone. I work all day and have to talk to all sorts of people from our accociates, to customers and the leadership team and being the go to person for all of the answers means I am never alone at work. My husband spends the day alone as he is retired and when I get home, he wants my company and wants to talk, talk, talk.

    My favorite time of the week is when I get to go to the grocery store, it is as close to alone time as I ever get, it is my meditation time, almost like my fortress of solitude, and even though I am surrounded by people, I do not have to talk to a soul.

  8. being alone is not the same as being lonely
    quiet time is not the same as noise & peaceful is getting to know ourselves when no-one is around.
    & I love to party when the time is right.

  9. Jane, I just wanted to write to say that I caught “On Golden Pond” last Sunday morning on our local tv station in Portland, Oregon. I just have to say, what a fabulous movie! I had not watched it in a very long time, and the movie is still so heart wrenching. Your Father, and Ms. Hepburn were amazing, as well as, yourself, Dabney Coleman and Doug McKeon. I cried and laughed so much!

    Having experienced a similar style of parenting from my dad, I am happy for you that you were able to have an experience to star with him in the movie and to smooth out your relationship with him before he passed. I am sure this has been a gift to you as you have gone on.

    I just wanted to pass that along – love your work and your hair!!!

  10. hello Jane,

    “alone, meditate, my blog, solitude, writing” and I hope you added Art to that human equation.
    I often feel like Your army of one, that body that is more than the sum total of it parts.
    The Human Equation is a holistic philosophy about the methodology of being,or to portray the orderly development of meaningful measurement.
    I often think the British theoretical physicist,Stephen Hawking has the right view of things “We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.” Hawking has a neuro-muscular dystrophy that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a condition that has progressed over the years and has left him almost completely paralysed. As Hawking’s said we. mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk and we learned to listen… but maybe the best thing I read was “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.”~Stephen Hawking.

    ( I was having a moment last nihgt when Dame Elizabeth Taylor come out ot the sky on high ,as she will do at times and On Twitter. I did get a concept of adding a visual to my script , with Kirt Douglas part , talking about his late wife, and Maybe Elizabeth Taylor would play the part , Kirt’s Character talks about how his late wife developed altimerizes , and how he found her seated at her artist easel looking in to a painting she had just completed and that was the last time she ever could commuicate anything to the world. I think worth a write or word or two in the script. )

  11. We come in alone and leave alone. In between we never seem to realize the inevitability of it all. Alone and inward is the way it’s over for most of us. So I guess it’s good to understand and love alone. I’m 71 ( why do old people have to mention their age as if it makes us somehow the Oracle!) any way here I am at 71 mostly alone but making that inner journey which will inevitably lead to where I’m going. It’s comforting to know that I’m not afraid. Keep on truckin’ sister Jane!

  12. I find your writings amazing. Here you are, a great actress, activist, fitness guru, telling us you are a nerd and enjoy the times, that you have alone.

    I think there may be a bit of that, in most of us.

    If I had been asked to speculate about what you do in your life, I would have said that you really enjoy your private time. I would have been shocked if you said you were this non-stop partay girl.

    For me there seems to be a ‘peace’ around you and what you write. The way you talk about other cast members, friends and family is from a person that is very well grounded and giving. That type of person has had time for reflection and understands it’s importance.

    Where I love my time with my friends or performing in front of a big crowd at a hockey game, I more enjoy those quiet times with family, with a horse in the high county or by myself, on long walks in the bush. Others may enjoy their time with a book or listening to music, just as much as I do with my downtime.

    We are all different. All needing different amounts of time for reflection. I don’t have a great amount of such time but like you I cherish it. As I get older I will have to put more time aside for it.

    I don’t know if that makes us nerds.

    Once again you have written something of interest.

    Bill

  13. I have always thrived on solitude and seem to value it even more as I get older (67 now). I think I will hate it if I ever reach the point where health, physcial or mental, keeps me from being able to choose my alone time. However, I think I’ve always known that one of the reasons I can so enjoy my alone time is that I have always known that I have alternatives availabe…people who want to be with me. I have a friend who has been alone her entire life. She’s had a successful career but never married, never in a relationship, never sought after. I might add that this is with fairly good reason because she’s not that much fun to be around. She tells me it’s easy for me to enjoy solitude because I can take it or leave it when I wish. I’ve had two marriages, various good relationships over the years, five stepkids and now grandkids too. But all considered, I still like being with just me more than anyone else and am usually pretty ready to return to that state when out and among ’em! I don’t think it’s a nerd thing. I think it’s a cool thing.

  14. We are all nerds or need to become nerds. Being alone means you have to be with yourself and figure it all out. We need that to progress and become wise and whole as a person. Then we can be who we want and even if we wish have the one we have the one we want or better yet enjoy our freedom, whicb is even better for those of us who are free spirits. One love one nerd.. Hahaha

  15. By the way Jane you are the coolest.

  16. Jane, Thanks for sharing–of course you are part nerd or you couldn’t possibly bring to the communal table all you bring in your active times. Extroverts are energized by other people and activity; introverts by thoughts and ideas. Those in the middle have that wondrous balance that you exhibit. Didn’t need to clear it up with me! Viva nerdiness, in its measure!! Stay well,
    Sheila M.

  17. Hi Jane ,it’s very nice to read your blog.
    I am also a loner most of the time because of the nature of my work. I am a night shift worker.
    All my best to you Jane.

  18. Way cool, Jane! After reading your blog this past month I would actually get TIRED and wonder “how DOES she do it?” Now I know it’s all an act! (No pun intended). Can’t wait to see you again on the screen! Loved you in “Georgia Rule.”

  19. Thankyou for that.

  20. Hi Jane,
    This is my first comment ever. Just can’t resist saying how grateful I am for your presence, wisdom, and heart.
    Thanks so much for all the beautiful blogs.
    Gassho.

  21. Being alone is highly underrated, yet it seems to be (unfortunately) devalued; like if you’re alone, there’s something wrong with you, or you don’t have any friends, etc. On the contrary, the people I know who spend time with their families and by themselves, recharging, instead of constantly being “on”, are the most interesting, well-rounded people I know.

    Definitely agree with you that loneliness is VERY different than solitude, and if that makes me a nerd, well, here I go to get my plaid polyester pants!

  22. I think being alone is a new trend,cause that is how I live much of the time. I’m married to my job (law enforcement) and take care of my elderly father so I don’t have much time to date,or socialize. And,like you,I’m perfectly okay with it.

  23. Alone time is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Much like a good wine though, it’s hard to decide the perfect amount. Too much and you’re labeled a recluse. Not enough and you lose yourself.

    What I find most fascinating about your blog besides the celebrity side of your life is your fearlessness. You’re not afraid to post anything, including some not so nice comments from your readers. You could simply not post them, but you don’t. You post them and you answer them. For a tiny little woman, you got balls Jane!

  24. “All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone.”
    Jean de la Bruyere

  25. Well spoken. I identify with what you are saying about the difference between solitude or being lonely. Although at times, with your celebrity status, you seem larger than life to me this message somehow helped to clarify that you are truly human like the rest of us.

  26. WH Davies: What is this life, if full of care, We have no time, to stand and stare.”

  27. Greetings from Troy, NY !!! I live across the road from Emma Willard Girls School – amazing campus. Beautiful !

    You’re right – There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is treasured – Loneliness is dreaded.

    Regards !

  28. You’ve just made my whole weekend with this post. I am the same way and it made me feel better to hear you say this. Being “alone” is not the same thing as being “lonely”. Many thanks.

  29. Me too!

  30. Dear jane~as a fellow sage, I too give the impression I am all adventure, excitemt, public. Part of this true: there is a very social, public self-and I love it! Then there is the very private, very still, quiet, alone self. I cldnt be myself without ea half taking care of the other. I see fall come and begin preparing. In winter I find great comffort in solitude-reflecting, being still, meditating, writing, reading. March is my most creative month. It’s hard to explain to people when they only see the public, exciting self. Stay true to your needs. They nuture us well. Xoxm&lb

  31. Thank you for your honesty. As I get older I find my tolerance level is pretty low. Require a lot of time on my own – like you I cherish it. I was beginning to think I was the only one that felt that way so it was nice to see that I wasn’t “alone” in that regard.

  32. What?!?! I think not, even if your work and social life is what you blog about, I definitely don’t see you as a ‘nerd’!…and having ‘me’ time is so important!! sounds more to me like you’ve figured out how to balance your life!(social vs. private)

    You are one of my ‘aging role models’, and, best as I can see, you’re doing a FAB job, so keep it up.

    • That description fits who I thought you were….I enjoy hearing about all of your life….but I really do think your more contemplative side is equally as intriging Im just blessed that you enjoy sharing your life…..sometimes I sit down at the computer and think wonder what Janes been doing……crazy.

  33. I assumed you were alone a lot because you have such a creative output. That takes time to think up!

  34. jane,
    thank you. i was wondering if you meditate. i do. i really have no friends except my husband and am alone a lot. also a nerd. love you and stay well.
    may you be filled with loving kindness
    may you be well
    may you be peaceful and at ease
    may you be happy

    susan

  35. CHEERS to Nerds everywhere!!!
    Jeff in Atlanta

  36. Think this topic is becoming a new phenomenon & will eventually be on the cover of the NY Times Sunday magazine. I’m a cross between a loner and enjoying being social. But find getting older, being social is harder to do — I’m more selective & only want to hang out with old friends — I’m tired of spending time in restuarants/bars too loud, with a bunch of drunk people. In fact, I now take ear plugs with me when I go out to dinner.

    I think it’s interesting how many middle-aged available women there are who spend so much time alone versus going out and dating. It’s so much energy. I’m going to take up golf again — think it might be the answer to online dating.

  37. I LOVE my ‘alone’ time! Of course, I’m never totally alone….Scruffy and Rosie are always here for hugs and kisses and snuggles, just as Tulea is for you! 🙂

  38. I think that you are a sincere and true person. You must appreciate instants alone. It’s necessary for you, you do many things so good around you, also to help in humanity ! it’s very nice to read your blog.
    To do good and let say !!!
    Many thanks for what you make

  39. Me too. I like my company.

  40. Hi there Jane, thanks for your blog it is wonderful, some great insights.

    Your thoughts on being alone (by choice) got me thinking about a docucmentary we saw here in Australia recently- it was made in 2006. It was about a young man Andrew Jenks- who admitted himself into a Florida Nursing home, he was 19 at the time. It really higlighted the very real scourge of lonliness that is inflicted upon our older poeople in these residential homes. I wondered if you knew of anybody who could take up the gauntlet for this very real plight of older residence of such intistutions? It is happening all around the world Jane. They really need a loyal and energetic advocate.

    I would love to get your thoughs Jane,

    Jill

  41. Great post, Jane. If you haven’t already read it (and what HAVEN’T you read?!), go for Anthony Storr’s book ‘Solitude’. A review on Amazon by Cathy Earnshaw describes it far better than I could…

    Anthony Storr, the British psychiatrist and writer who died of a heart attack in 2001, published twelve books in his lifetime. ‘Solitude’ was groundbreaking upon its publication in 1989, his key argument being that solitary pursuits “play a greater part in the economy of human happiness than modern psycho-analysts and their followers allow”.

    Traditionally, psychoanalysis has tended to view those who generally do not generally engage in or avoid close personal relationships as psychologically immature, as having a character deficit to be remedied. Today legions of self-help books and women’s magazines bolster this tenet by extolling interpersonal relationships as life’s holy grail (especially, but not exclusively, for women). Storr counters that interpersonal relationships are not the only way of finding emotional fulfilment and that solitude can be creative, fulfilling and foster emotional maturity. Drawing upon both voluntary and enforced states of solitude, he claims that it is crucial in “attaining peace of mind and maintaining mental health”.

    An especial need to be alone in adult life can be traced back (in many, if not all, cases) to “some degree of insecure attachment in early childhood”. Solitude can then take on a compensatory and healing function: “a retreat from unhappiness, a compensation for loss, and a basis for later achievement”. Indeed on the basis of the lives of famous writers (Trollope, James, Kafka), philosophers (Kant, Wittgenstein) and composers (Wagner, Beethoven, Bach), he argues that what began as compensation for deprivation can become a rewarding way of life. These artists and thinkers could “best express [their] true self in some form of creative work rather than in interaction with others”.

    Storr characterises those who especially like to retreat into solitude as often having a depressive tendency and – regarding those who managed to create art out of time spent alone – having often suffered the loss of a parent in their childhood years (e.g. Sylvia Plath, John Berryman, Louis MacNeice, John Donne and S.T. Coleridge). “[T]he greater the disharmony within, the sharper the spur to seek harmony, or, if one has the gifts, to create harmony”, he states. Storr is at his strongest when conveying his incisive insights in clear and cogent prose, which often culminate in nuggets of wisdom (at one point he casually writes “In the end, one has to make sense of one’s own life, however influential guidance from mentors may have been”). The reader might have to overlook occasionally portentous language (e.g. “I could not forbear to quote it”!), but this nevertheless remains a brilliant and original read.

  42. Hi, Jane. Just a note to say I’ve been enjoying your blog. I ran across it last spring when I was looking for information on Fitness Day in Atlanta. Have enjoyed seeing the behind-the-scenes-of-filming postings, photos, your little dog, etc. Your blog gave me the idea to start a blog of my own – I really didn’t know what it was even going to be about. I just started posting pictures, articles, event announcements, recipes, web links and other things I think my family and friends would be interested in. It’s been a lot of fun for me, and for them, too.

  43. Jane,

    I too love solitude…but I learned long ago to not describe it as being “alone…” But rather, “with myself…”

    I believe like so many of us, being “with myself” is precious!

  44. For me, “loneliness” feels empty; “aloneness” feels rich.

  45. Funny how Sag’s (of which I am one) are supposed to be so gregarious, outgoing. I can be, but like you, I savor my alone time.

    On the Woodstock set, I saw photos of Janis, Dylan, others…any of you from the Woodstock era?

    Thanks as always for your blog. It’s become one of my favorite stops on the ‘net.

  46. Agree!! I have always said there is a *huge* difference between being alone and being lonely . . . .

  47. I very much enjoy my alone time. It helps me to relax and just have me time to do something or nothing. I love being with my partner too and the good thing is that she enjoys her alone time. So it works out very well. Too many years with too many people around. We finally learned to get a balance going on. Works for us. We’ve been together 15 years. Love following you on Facebook, Blog etc. I have been a devoted fan of yours for so many years and it feels so nice to be on a comfortable direction such as you.

  48. I love being alone! I am very comfortable with who I am and invlove myself with lots of my favorite solitary activities (beading, knitting, readind, riding my bike). Most people I know just don’t understand – they have to fill every waking moment with noise and frenzied activities. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by people and still feeling lonely.

  49. Hari OM Devi
    We never feel alone when we are in harmony with ourselves!
    deep Pranayma Meditation is the nectarian hang and date with ourselves!
    Ilove your blog!!!
    Namah OM

  50. Wonderful blog Jane, I have been on the set of Love, Peace and Misunderstanding for the last 2 days and had a great time. Shame I missed you. I’m a friend of Bruce but have to head back to LA to continue my UCLA directing studies. Have fun with the rest of the movie, it looks stunning and a lot of fun. I’m so looking forward to the cinema release.
    Cherish your alone time, it is very precious

    Much love
    Kate

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