My story with Grace & Frankie and why this show has changed my life

Over the years I’ve written a lot about TV shows, and I’ve always used to say they changed my life. Indeed, some of them have contributed to a perspective I would still like to keep, such as Charmed or Gilmore Girls. But that was because they reflected a lot of what happened in my life at a certain time, or a lot of my inner desires – to enter a magical world, which translates into spirituality nowadays, or to validate the really cool relationship I have with my mom by watching it on the small screen.

Now I see that none of them have truly and utterly changed my life or shook my world view such as Grace & Frankie. It might be a deep statement, but Marta Kauffman’s creations couldn’t offer any less than that to an audience. If you think about it, Friends was groundbreaking in the 1990s and 2000s. And Grace & Frankie is groundbreaking in the 2010s and 2020s. I first heard about this show when two of my best girlfriends talked about it in 2016 or 17. I have got to admit that I wasn’t too curious about it – I was watching Lost and Twin Peaks at the time and was totally hooked on mystery shows.

One day I was bored and decided to watch G&F’s pilot episode on Netflix. To be honest, I didn’t like it. None of it resonated to me. The older women being told by their husbands they were gay and in love with each other, and now they wanted a divorce? It didn’t sound real nor funny enough to me. Frankie felt too artificial with her hippie stuff and her meditation noises, and Grace felt too anxious to get a line in, her breathing made me uncomfortable! So, I didn’t watch it anymore. And simply forgot about it. I can’t believe I felt this way, but I didn’t see what the fuss what about.

Let’s skip to April 2020 now. I’m 25 years old, graduated from college, working a lot and dealing with the Covid pandemic. I’m doing okay, but I’m scared, especially considering Covid is a new disease and people are dying all over the place. Everything is closed and we’re on lockdown. Can’t see the rest of my family or friends, only my parents. We don’t have a vaccine yet. We’re just dealing with it day after day. I’m working on-line as a teacher. And I see myself with a lot of time to spare. Time to write my book, to play my guitar and to watch movies and shows. I swear I can’t understand why Grace & Frankie popped into my brain, but I know I thought “maybe I should watch it now. I kind of know the story already, so I wouldn’t have to start another show from scratch”. And that’s what I did.

I’d like to think of these moments as coming from a higher place than our rational state of consciousness. This one probably came from my inner self or soul, the one that truly knows what we need at any moment of life. The one who has all the answers. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t like the show back in 2017 or so. These women automatically broke my pre-conceptions in every kind of way. They made me think about things differently. Back in 2020, I had already lost all my grandparents, except one of my grandmothers. But she was sick, which was a shame because she used to be a real Jane Fonda – she walked, went to the gym, was a yoga instructor, kept in touch with spirituality, drove around the city, went to the country club, played cards with her friends. Gosh, she spent her 80th birthday in Miami, celebrating. In her 70s, she visited me in my hometown, and we had so much fun. To know she was getting worse and worse was not very reassuring.
My other grandparents had complicated diseases too. Even though one of my grandfathers died at age 95, he was pretty much a shut in for many years. And he was almost deaf, he’d lost 50% of his hearing. I never looked at them as lively, satisfied people. They used to complain a lot, barely left their house, and eventually suffered with physical pain, which translated into emotional pain for them and for us. To sum up, I used to view old age as terrible, with a lot of sadness and depression involved, and the inability to stand up for yourself, as well as the loss of passions and things that give you pleasure in life. I thought it was just nature’s way of making you deal with the proximity of death. How wrong was I?

There I was, watching Grace (Jane Fonda) and Frankie (Lily Tomlin – who I didn’t know until this show) play these women in their 70s who had to live together in a posh beach house because their husbands took off with each other. The beauty of the house and Frankie’s fun way of dealing with things (I didn’t find her annoying anymore) probably threw me off and made it easier for me to accept this unfathomable fact: that these women probably had the rest of their lives figured out – they were married for forty years, they had children, grandchildren. They were expecting to remain the same people they always were, while eventually faced with death. A big change like that spurred onto an older person – I had never seen that before. And my idea was that old people were too tired or fragile to have to live through something like this. But this show has proved me wrong. For one thing, Grace and Frankie are two tough cookies – to say the least.

As the show progressed, I could see that I identified a lot with Frankie’s sense of humor, or when she smoked weed and painted, when she ate junk food. And I thought “is this… an old person behavior? Is this what it’s supposed to be like?”. I was confused. And then I saw Grace playing “say yes night” with Frankie, letting lose and going to a bar with her! They were drinking whiskey flights and there were men hitting on them! On top of it all, they were dancing on the table and people were rooting for them. I thought “this is completely insane. It’s because it’s a comedy show. This would never happen in a million years!”. But it happened. And it made sense to me.

I also remember when Grace found an old love interest from 15 years ago named Phil on-line, and Frankie pushed her to go after him. I remember my enchantment when she found him (Sam Elliott was so hot in that role by the way), even though he had a wife with Alzheimer’s to look after, and their kiss and subsequent sex. I went from confused to dumbfounded. So, this was what your 70s could look like?! And even though their romance didn’t work out, at least Grace had a chance to try! At times it was hard keeping up with their dating lives, which seemed busier than mine.

But then the show got even better, as if it were possible: Babe, their long-time friend, appeared. Another older character, full of hope, sense of humor and wisdom (I immediately googled Estelle Parsons and fell in love). And Babe was dying, but she wasn’t sad about it. On the contrary, she threw her last party and invited Grace and Frankie to join her. That storyline made me think about death more as a regular event than anything else.

Babe’s guest appearance and subsequent death shook everything: she inspired the girls by arranging an art exhibition for Frankie and giving Grace a vibrator as a gift. At this point, I was already hoping to see Grace’s take on the vibrator the next morning, which was… carpel tunnel. So funny. And, again, my impending ageism attacked: “do old people even masturbate?”. This was messing with all the rules I believed to be true! I remember my grandmother saying to my mom she never had an orgasm, therefore… it didn’t make sense to me. Until I saw Grace talking about it.

Together, Grace and Frankie founded Vybrant, their own company, to sell vibrators for older women. I must admit there was still a part of me that was resistant to this storyline and felt like it was just something funny to put on a TV show, that it could never happen in real life. The truth is… maybe things don’t happen exactly like in the show. But that’s actually not a bad thing. I found out this show’s real purpose: to change culture as it is now. To open space for dream, and to put it in our heads, once and for all: you can start over at any time! In order to do that, you need to break patterns, and make extensive use of a poetic license! This is the most genuine way that art can influence life.

It’s so sad when you’re young and just assume older people don’t know how to talk to you about general subjects such as art or music because they’re not from your generation and they don’t know what’s going on or can’t keep up. They couldn’t possibly know, right? Because they live in their own world, only thinking about “that time” from their past, when they were young and things were better, different. Again – ageism. And how could they talk about sex? They don’t have it anymore. I used to think like that.

This type of thinking is what makes old people invisible in our society. And this has got to stop. Now all I can think of is if I had watched this show sooner, maybe I would’ve talked more to both my grandmas, acknowledged them as equals, realized that age is not as limiting as I thought it was. And even though sometimes I get emotional because I will never have that with them and lost my chance, in a way, Grace & Frankie makes me look back at my grandmothers’ stories with a different perspective. With lightness. Yeah, I guess that’s the word.

There were so many moments on this show that also gave me such extreme joy. And although I’m a cheery person, I wasn’t used to that amount of feeling anymore. As I reminisced, I realized it was the same joy I felt at times as a child. I used to play at my favorite playground in a square, looking at the buildings and the skyline. When I looked at that skyline, it felt like I could do and be anything. It felt like coming home again, as if this was not my home, but I was getting there. Grace & Frankie are that skyline for me. They provided me with a kind of reencounter – with myself, perhaps. With who I want to be. It’s the feeling of an unexplainable higher power, or maybe the true acceptance of the cycle of life.

Whatever it is, that joy also removed all fear – that hidden fear I had when thinking about my grandparents, of becoming old and losing my health, the fear of depending on others to survive, the fear of becoming invisible, the fear of my own parents becoming old and sick. All of that started to vanish. Of course I worry about my parents and their future. But I made my peace with old age, and I truly believe it can be the best time in a person’s life because… you’ve lived it all! You already have a very clear idea about people and their intentions. I guess it’s easier to be comfortable with yourself and finally be who you’re meant to be, as Ms. Fonda says in her book “Primetime”.

I also started to see my parents in a different way – they’re both 60+ years old. I feel that we have deeper conversations, and I don’t refrain from talking about a TikTok trend or memes with them. It feels like I get them more than before and vice-versa, and I have more confidence to expose my views. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older too, but I suspect Ms. Fonda and Ms. Tomlin’s characters have something to do with this shift.

Speaking of Jane and Lily, I love it when shows bring you extra knowledge about actors’ works. I remembered Grace and Frankie’s ex-husbands, played by Sam Waterston and Martin Sheen, from The Big Gatsby and Apocalypse Now, respectively, and they are terrific on G&F, with wonderful comedic timing. But for a while, my eyes were all on Lily. Whatever she did, I was watching. I downloaded all episodes of LaughIn, only to discover she didn’t appear in more than half of them. I was astounded with her talent to impersonate people in a theatrical way. I wish I could’ve seen her live back in the 70s or 80s on Appearing Nightly. And I’ll never forget Grandma, that seemingly low-budget film about her character helping her granddaughter to get an abortion. Such a respectable resume, Ms. Tomlin.

But I have to say the biggest surprise for me was Ms. Fonda. See, when I started watching the show, it already had six seasons. And I binged it. I could see that in every season Grace opened up a little more. And cared for Frankie a little more, being mostly responsible for their relationship growth in my view. So much so that her heart races just to think of Frankie’s death in this final season. This is one of the best character developments I have ever seen in my relatively short life. And I have watched my share of TV shows (with many seasons, might I add). It is unbelievable how Ms. Fonda worked with the character, making it completely different, yet with the same essence, from the earlier seasons.

I also didn’t really know Ms. Fonda. Except from excerpts of Monster-In-Law that occasionally appeared on TV. I knew she was Peter Fonda’s sister, and I loved Easy Rider. My father also told me she was the daughter of Henry Fonda, and that he was a big fan of her father’s movies. But now I wanted to know everything she did. I watched everything (well, not everything. Maybe I still have 3 or 4 movies to watch) from Ms. Fonda, and was thoroughly impressed by They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, Klute, Julia, Book Club, Barefoot in The Park, Our Nights, On Golden Pond, Coming Home, and, of course, 9 to 5 (the die hard fans are probably the only ones who read this far, so I won’t even comment on 9 to 5). Not that I needed convincing, but damn it she is a good actress! It’s fulfilling to see her work.

Then I heard something about how she did some workout tapes in the 80s or something. I asked my parents if they heard about it, and they said those were extremely successful. I was searching for an exercise routine anyway. I hate the gym. So, I found the classic workout videos and started working out in 2020. I haven’t stopped since. And before finding Ms. Fonda’s tapes, I had tried everything, from arrogant bloggers doing an ab routine to Just Dance choreographies in my Nintendo Wii. None of it satisfied me and I even got hurt at times. Ms. Fonda’s workout is the only one that only gave me those sore muscle pains. Nothing else. Nothing sprained or twisted. She taught me how to breathe during the workout. And my favorites are the cardiovascular routines and, of course, the lean-in routine. In this one, I put my spin on it with some of my favorite songs too.

As Ms. Tomlin said, Ms. Fonda’s life has so many aspects to it… it’s a huge life in many ways. The more you search, the more you find. And what you find is always gold. Another thing I did was study her activism story. And therefore, I ended up becoming more educated than before on the climate crisis. Ms. Fonda not only advocates for a cause, but she also educates people; I think she uses her fame and voice for a greater good. Only I know what she did for me, physically. And after learning more and having a clear position against fossil fuel emissions, I know how she helped me reflect politically and socially.

Sometime later, in 2021, I decided to read one of her books called Primetime – and this is a book that has (can’t get enough of this word apparently) changed my life. It’s like a serious version of Grace & Frankie with scientific research and interviews about getting older. What to eat, what to expect from sex, menopause, financial management, all these topics that were now my top priority. Why not? If I live long, I’ll get there one day. I want to be prepared. Or maybe I benefit from this book to assist my parents in the future. Most of all, I want to know how to enjoy every phase of my life. You see that Ms. Fonda spent a lot of time doing this work to make people aware of old age in a courageous, graceful way. As it should be. Not disregarding health issues but doing our best to avoid them or face them if they come. Few artists have influenced me artistically, politically, socially, intellectually, and physically. I guess Ms. Fonda was the only one so far.

Well… here’s WHY Grace & Frankie changed my life. It is more than a show to me. It has opened paths and given me knowledge beyond my expectations. It has disrupted my beliefs. And “made me a better, more delightful person”, as Grace once said to Frankie. I’ll miss it terribly. But it has played its part well in my life and (I’m sure) in our ageist society!